The worst pain I've experienced was a few years ago, when my boyfriend misinterpreted my xanga entry. It ruined our relationship entirely. I posted about the days events, and how I hung out with someone I hadn't seen since I was two or three, and how he was a great guy and everything. I meant it in a friend way. But it apparently came out as a love interest. Fighting between us ensued, and it was bitter.

This ex and I are still... sorta friends? I don't know if you could call it that, but we talk on occasion. It's not the same anymore, though. That night, the night everything fell about, I felt absolutely shattered. It's a feeling I never wish to experience again.

   

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It appears I will be moving back to my father's. I intend to get a job, once I am there. Right now, I really should be working on my paper for World Religion. I find it funny how our teacher tells us to be open-minded, when she was so closed minded in one of our conversations one day in class. Taking a religions class in an area that is primarily Christian is a bit of a challenge. I find that very few students at my current school are as open minded as myself.

I hope my new school is different.

I've been trading messages with someone I met through Revelife lately, and after typing this message in response, I felt I had to share it. I think I made a valid point.

...and that's why I don't call myself a Christian. For the most part, I have nothing to do with it at all. Most of our "Christian" morals are present in nearly every religion. I believe that there is a God, or a higher being. I can believe that, and not have to worship that. I live in the Bible Belt. From what I see, most of the "Christians" in this area is just that (fake). Look at all these huge churches -- in Little Rock we have one church that expands acres. It is larger than a mansion. Every time I see these churches, I wonder to myself, "Couldn't that money be put to better use?" I understand a lot of people won't help themselves, but sometimes there are people who can't. In Conway, there is a homeless man who has... I can't remember what it is called, but he's badly deformed and everything. He can't get into a shelter, and he really does use the money people do give him to feed himself. In Conway, there is at least one church on every corner. I understand that just about all churches have their outreach programs. But how many of those churches have them set to their community? Most are reaching out toward others -- and I have no problem with that -- but sometimes, it is the community they are in that needs it most. I live in one of the poorest counties in the entire state. In fact, last census there were only somewhere between five and ten people with six digit incomes. We have a church that had the nerve to say that, after a disaster, the people affected didn't need anymore help and to stop helping them -- while many of those people in that disaster (it was the Atkins tornadoes on February 5th) were still homeless and without food or clothing.

My lack of faith lies largely with the church. When it comes to my decisions and the way I act, I do keep as close as I can to God's word. I'm not perfect -- none of us are. However, I'm not about to group myself with people who preach one thing and -always- act another. I probably just haven't found the right church. That's likely the biggest problem I have. That, and I'm being forced to go to one that does, in fact, have a bad reputation. It always has, regardless of who pastored it.

There is a also a difference between intentionally disobeying and disobeying without realizing it. I don't intentionally disobey the Word, unless it is when it comes to cursing. I have a bad habit with that, and I've yet to meet someone who never curses, Christian or not. When it comes to people wanting you at church solely because unless you attend, there will not be any seniors to have a celebration for at the end of the year, or solely because they don't believe you'll be a good role model to someone they won't give a thought about in a year or two, there is something wrong. Don't you think so?